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Im probably going to do a massive friends cut... im not on LJ much anymore and often i feel deterred shifting through a lot of the same stuff to get to the entries i want to read. I dont mean any disrespect to anyone, but my life has just moved on so much from a sad little anorectic girl sifting through ED communities and seeing so much ED related stuff on my flist just isnt unhealthy but its boring too. I end up neglecting the people i want to communicate with.


I will update properley when ive sorted my page out - please leave a message if i havent spoken to you in a while if you want to stay.

Im so scared. I dont think i have ever been so anxious about anything in my life.


Of course somewhere inside im really excited that at some point in the next couple of days i will almost certaibly have my baby.


But its a massive change and i suddenly feel very young and ill equipped.


Its silly because i know that once i have the baby home everything will be fine BUT im scared of the induction process and scared that the baby might not be okay for whatever reason.


I had a dream the other night that he died and it really sent me under. I dont think i could cope if anything happened to him.


Today im feeling quite out of control of my body...</p>

I never thought i would have to worry about weight loss again inder my current circumstances (i.e. having Jamie as back up and starting a family) but my metabolism FEELS like it is out of control. Im getting faint when i havent eaten a substantial amount of calories in the past couple of hours (as in at least a meal size portion of something). My jeans are too big for me (they were verging on too small at the beginning) and everyone just keeps telling me that im losing weight.

I know its going to the bump/baby but im eating a ridiculous amount (more than my IP refeeding plan which was in itself ridiculous) i cant physically eat any more than i am and when baby comes out its more likely that i will lose weight from breastfeeding.

Im worried because ive always relied on having just that tiny bit of extra weight than i *NEED* to stay healthy so that im still safe if i get really ill or have a break down and i know when baby comes out i wont have that security and when im faced with the likelihood of postnatal depression and no Jamie during the day it makes me worried that i might slip off the wagon

I think i have completely lost the plot now.


Im crying. At a film. Because 2 people love each other... all they did was hold hands FFS!


Im driving myself mental with the thought that i want my baby NOW and this is MY body and MY baby so i should be able to go down to the hospital and DEMAND my baby in my arms... even though it is beyond ridiculous and would get me no further than a bed on the psych ward.


BUT im beyond emotional. Ive got constant cramps. Im exhausted. I cant do ANYTHING because my legs are struggling to support my body. My back is killing me and with baby in the wrong position im struggling to even breathe.


I want my baby so much, but i think maybe i also just want to feel like i can get someone to come round without feeling like it is an unreasonable request

Im very tired today. Im alone because Jamie is working a long shift and wont be home until gone 9pm. Im very uncomfortable and getting a lot of cramps but im too tired to go anywhere - trying to walk down the road to Tesco was difficult. I feel sick and i dont want to be alone. Im REALLY pissed off with myself because ive smoked 2 cigarettes and im really upset by something my mum has just text me but im not sure if its reasonable or because the situation is strange and im tired and hormonal.


Basically i managed to find out/drag it out of my mum that she has a new love interest. After much digging i found out that this man lives in her "houseshare"... i suspect it isnt a houseshare but his house but i am yet to address that with her. I am the ONLY person that knows this and i now have her landline number and this man has text me his number so that i can contact my mum if i go into labour as she is rubbish with her mobile. Im can accept all this because ive noticed how much happier she is and i understand why my mum has kept it all quiet but i need to know the whole story to process it properley.


The thing that has upset me is that ive tried to call her today. Shes declined my calls and sent me a text message saying "sorry sal im looking after **** (this mans 6 year old son). talk later" and it just makes me feel like oh great youve got a new family that means more to you. I KNOW at 25years old this is a bit pathetic but i cant help feeling upset and maybe a little bit jealous! I think i was already a little unsettled by the existance of this boy since my mum told me that his middle name is what ive been planning to call my baby for the past 7 months. I now feel like i cant call my baby what i have essentially named him because once mums new life comes out its going to upset my dad. I might have found it funny and a bit ironic if i had found out afterwards but right now it feels like i have made a bond with MY child under a specific name and to change his name would be like suddenly renaming a 7month baby. I know hes not in the world yet and nobody else has really referred to him by name but ive been talking to my baby for a long time now and hes a real person to me. I desperately want him out now so he can be "real" and it really upsetting me that i have to wait even though i know that its really unreasonable to be crying over!!!

May. 1st, 2013

I dont usually use this LJ app but my other one isnt working today. Ive been meaning to update LJ for a while but it rarely happens because i just seem to be so busy these days and when i DO go on LJ im more interested on reading/commenting others.


Im very anxious about this baby at the moment. He keeps turning breech and if he continues to do so he will be coming out via a c-section in a couple of weeks... im not too bothered about having a c-section just worried that if he tries to come out BEFORE a scheduled date then it all turns into a medical emergency for both me and baby and if, like today ive been summoned to head office it would be a very scary experience for all that to happen and me be alone in a strange place with no familiar faces and no support... I cant wait to get home tonight!


Im so uncomfortable and not really sleeping at the moment. I just want baby out now so i can lie down comfortably, wear normal clothes and not feel so unbalanced. That said i will miss having baby in me at all times... not having to worry that hes okay and having him exclusively to myself!


The pregnancy has been so difficult on my body. First was the hyperemesis gravidarum. Then came the thyroid issues. When that was finally sorted i started having problems with anaemia. Ive been so exhausted all the time and got really frustrated with people in general because so many people dont take into consideration how hard it can be to be pregnant AND have health problems AND hold down a stressful full time job that you have to commute to... but on the flip side theres a load of happy healthy pregnant women who dont have to work moaning about how tired they are and at hormonal times i pretty much just feel like shooting these people because they have NO idea how lucky they are to (a) have the priveledge of being pregnant (b) have the luxury of not having to work (c) have the freedom of not worrying about finances.


Im worried about leaving work. Specifically the lady i work with on a daily basis. She pretty much spent all her life institutionalised and her history is pretty sad. It looked like everyone was going to give up on her before i took over and now she is doing SO well. The thing that worries me is that a lot of her wellbeing has been dependent on me constantly being there and checking up on everything. She will only see doctors/hospitals etc if i am with her. Im pretty mich the only person in the world that she trusts wholly. Ive had to spoon-feed the staff every step of the way and its been challeging not only because of how my lady is but also because things were SO messed up at the unit. I had to trigger 4 investigations into different things which still havent been resolved (ive just received minutes of my interview and in all honesty its completely inaccurate and illiterate!) plus to make matters worse i have a couple of members of staff spreading malicious rumours such as i stole medication and have been taking it because im "depressed"... im not and the medication in question wasnt even antidepressants. Ive battled this all the way but im beginning to feel a bit intimidated by the largeness of the situation and how little confidence i feel on taking people on at director level... im outnumbered.


I passed this train station a few minutes ago...


its the one we used to get off at to visit my nan. This whole area meant a lot to me growing up. I spent a lot of time in the forest and it makes me sad that nan isnt with us anymore... Im even more gutted about my aunt who died 4 years ago - i wish so badly that she could see me WELL and living my life and successful and happy and meet my little boy. But she cant. I went to her funeral in a specially adapted silk pencil skirt and light blueish/greyish/lilacish pinstripe shirt because i couldnt get any appropriate clothes that could fit. Not that she would have minded if i turned up in my PJs. It still makes me sad that her last memory of me was unwell and that shes gone now.


My mum has now clearly broken up with my dad. Its been hard to know whats REALLY going on and in all honesty ive tried to stay out of it whilst still being there for them. Its been harder because of mums kidney tumour and knowing her tendency to go for an operation without telling anyone. She seems happy enough at the moment if not a bit too skinny but at this point in time if shes telling me that the radiotherapy and chemo tablets are making her feel a bit sick and killing her appetite im going to believe her.


Ive got 11 weeks give or take to sort everything out for baba. Im ready for him to come out in terms of im sick of work and how much chaos it is in. I know i need the extra few weeks to get it sorted so that the house runs without me with much fewer emergencies but its exhausting trying to work 10 hour days and being responsible for everything when im up all night with a squished baby in my belly. Apparently its normal to gain another 11lbs+ in these last weeks -WHERE and HOW?!? To be fair im hungry all the time and eating like a horse but still... Im so stretched. Strangely enough regardless of eating and eating ive shrunk everywhere apart from belly and boobs. Despite my thyroid struggling (which is meant to lead to weight gain).

The idea of being pregnant used to really scare me a few years back. The reality is quite different from what i imagined. I feel fine mentally. Im happy. Im nearly off all my meds.
Some days i feel stressed out of my tiny little mind. I can see very clearly how delicate recovery is. How one day not going into work. One day hiding in bed. One days i CBA eating could tip things. These are all things i cant allow myself to do because once i have done it once i will do it again and again. I made my choice and i chose life or nothing. This life decision seems to be pretty perminant now. I have a may as well be husband and a child. If i had an ED i couldnt have either. Physically but also emotionally. Its just not possible to have an ED ruling your life and be in a relationship with anyone else. An ED is a selfish thing it doesnt care about me or anyone in my life and it takes over. Im trying to drum this into my head because im worried that i dont have my "insurance weight" anymore... Its all gone to baby and once i start losing weight from giving birth and breastfeeding the instinct is to push further in that direction. I dont understand what my body is doing.

Jan. 22nd, 2013

So happy to be in our new house and chilled again.

Baby boy is fine. God knows how my body is capable of growing another person but apparently it is... Even after everything ive done to it. Im not having a problem mentally with being pregnant and hormonally im not crazy so ive got a pretty good deal. Apart from the sickness and tiredness obviously. My boobs are quickly taking over the world. I have no idea where i will be able to get my next pregnancy bra from.

My mum has lost it. Ive had a pretty hard time accepting that shes not around for me because i really thought that things might be different now that im pregnant. Shes said some pretty horrific things to me recently. Shes an absolute mess. Shes renting a room alone miles away from us or my sisters and it appears shes going through the menopause and it has literally driven her crazy. When i ring her shes crying and wont leave her room. Shes hysterical and its very rare to be able to have a sensible conversation with her. Luckily im still the only person she listens to when she loses her mind so ive managed to convince her to go to the doctors despite her having an irrational fear of antidepressants.

Work is crazy. I have until May to get the place together. My client is going through a manic episode. There are 3 seperate accounts of abuse/potential abuse that i have had to report and sort out mostly to do with medication and finances. Ive practically been at work around the clock.

My bio-father invited me to his wedding. There is no way on earth i am going. Especially not when im so obviously pregnant. I dont want jamie to have to deal with them and i most certainly do not want geoff in my baby boys life.
So i have narrowly missed being admitted to hospital for a PICC line again. This time its NOT my fault. I have hyperemesis gravidarum which is a pregnancy condition which has made me vomit so much that i couldnt even keep down liquids.

My mum came round yesterday because i had literally been crying uncontrollably for 2 days. I was stuck in a cycle of trying to drink water to hydrate myself but then i vomited more and then my head felt like it was going to explode so then id try again. I was really exhausted and dehydrated and malnourished because apart from everything else the baby steals every reserve you have to keep itself healthy.

So mum came round absolutely convinced i was having a mental breakdown. Made me take diazepam and then rang the doctors using favours as she works next door... GP or hospital i know which one im going to choose every time. The GP was amazing and even with my mum pushing wouldnt give me any psych drugs because she didnt know the effect in pregnancy THANK GOD. Asked me for a urine sample... Managed about 10mls which showed how sick i was. Im allowed to stay at home as long as i take the antiemetics and promise to eat and drink...NO PROBLEM... But if i cant i need to go to hospital for an urgent PICC line YAK. Not happening.

I know my mum was only trying to help but it was really difficult when she was convinced i was having a mental breakdown and is pushing for a psych referal... I am genuinely the most happy i have ever been. I am NOT having a mental breakdown because i dont want my baby... Although after my reaction to that i think she was pretty clear. The brain does strange things when it is overwhelmed and starved and dehydrated and brimming with pregnancy hormones.

Im a lot better today. I feel safe to walk around the house now and not lose my vision.
Ive worked out why i am so ill. It has nothing to do with pregnancy as such but a lot to do with morning sickness. Not managing to get enough food in me and throwing up a lot. Im malnourished and dehydrated. My head is spinning with stupid ED thoughts... Its horrendous that part of my brain WANTS me to vomit at the moment because im losing weight... Realistically im just trying to get food and liquid down me. I dont want to end up in hospital and i dont want to damage my poor baby :-(