Log in

Previous Entry | Next Entry

Ive got 11 weeks give or take to sort everything out for baba. Im ready for him to come out in terms of im sick of work and how much chaos it is in. I know i need the extra few weeks to get it sorted so that the house runs without me with much fewer emergencies but its exhausting trying to work 10 hour days and being responsible for everything when im up all night with a squished baby in my belly. Apparently its normal to gain another 11lbs+ in these last weeks -WHERE and HOW?!? To be fair im hungry all the time and eating like a horse but still... Im so stretched. Strangely enough regardless of eating and eating ive shrunk everywhere apart from belly and boobs. Despite my thyroid struggling (which is meant to lead to weight gain).

The idea of being pregnant used to really scare me a few years back. The reality is quite different from what i imagined. I feel fine mentally. Im happy. Im nearly off all my meds.
Some days i feel stressed out of my tiny little mind. I can see very clearly how delicate recovery is. How one day not going into work. One day hiding in bed. One days i CBA eating could tip things. These are all things i cant allow myself to do because once i have done it once i will do it again and again. I made my choice and i chose life or nothing. This life decision seems to be pretty perminant now. I have a may as well be husband and a child. If i had an ED i couldnt have either. Physically but also emotionally. Its just not possible to have an ED ruling your life and be in a relationship with anyone else. An ED is a selfish thing it doesnt care about me or anyone in my life and it takes over. Im trying to drum this into my head because im worried that i dont have my "insurance weight" anymore... Its all gone to baby and once i start losing weight from giving birth and breastfeeding the instinct is to push further in that direction. I dont understand what my body is doing.


( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
Mar. 12th, 2013 08:22 pm (UTC)
Wishing you a safe and happy pregnancy for the final run!
You are strong you have overcome so much. I think you will be able to stay on the recovery path. You have a lot to live for now.
Mar. 13th, 2013 10:15 pm (UTC)
It must be so exciting! Am very happy for you and how things are going. When do you plan on going on leave?

You've got the awareness, you know that there is the possible of a slide afterwards to use that to put everything in place that you can to prevent it. You know depe down you're strong enough to tell the instinct and thoughts were to go do one. x
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )



Latest Month

September 2013
Powered by LiveJournal.com
Designed by Lilia Ahner