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May. 1st, 2013

I dont usually use this LJ app but my other one isnt working today. Ive been meaning to update LJ for a while but it rarely happens because i just seem to be so busy these days and when i DO go on LJ im more interested on reading/commenting others.


Im very anxious about this baby at the moment. He keeps turning breech and if he continues to do so he will be coming out via a c-section in a couple of weeks... im not too bothered about having a c-section just worried that if he tries to come out BEFORE a scheduled date then it all turns into a medical emergency for both me and baby and if, like today ive been summoned to head office it would be a very scary experience for all that to happen and me be alone in a strange place with no familiar faces and no support... I cant wait to get home tonight!


Im so uncomfortable and not really sleeping at the moment. I just want baby out now so i can lie down comfortably, wear normal clothes and not feel so unbalanced. That said i will miss having baby in me at all times... not having to worry that hes okay and having him exclusively to myself!


The pregnancy has been so difficult on my body. First was the hyperemesis gravidarum. Then came the thyroid issues. When that was finally sorted i started having problems with anaemia. Ive been so exhausted all the time and got really frustrated with people in general because so many people dont take into consideration how hard it can be to be pregnant AND have health problems AND hold down a stressful full time job that you have to commute to... but on the flip side theres a load of happy healthy pregnant women who dont have to work moaning about how tired they are and at hormonal times i pretty much just feel like shooting these people because they have NO idea how lucky they are to (a) have the priveledge of being pregnant (b) have the luxury of not having to work (c) have the freedom of not worrying about finances.


Im worried about leaving work. Specifically the lady i work with on a daily basis. She pretty much spent all her life institutionalised and her history is pretty sad. It looked like everyone was going to give up on her before i took over and now she is doing SO well. The thing that worries me is that a lot of her wellbeing has been dependent on me constantly being there and checking up on everything. She will only see doctors/hospitals etc if i am with her. Im pretty mich the only person in the world that she trusts wholly. Ive had to spoon-feed the staff every step of the way and its been challeging not only because of how my lady is but also because things were SO messed up at the unit. I had to trigger 4 investigations into different things which still havent been resolved (ive just received minutes of my interview and in all honesty its completely inaccurate and illiterate!) plus to make matters worse i have a couple of members of staff spreading malicious rumours such as i stole medication and have been taking it because im "depressed"... im not and the medication in question wasnt even antidepressants. Ive battled this all the way but im beginning to feel a bit intimidated by the largeness of the situation and how little confidence i feel on taking people on at director level... im outnumbered.


I passed this train station a few minutes ago...


its the one we used to get off at to visit my nan. This whole area meant a lot to me growing up. I spent a lot of time in the forest and it makes me sad that nan isnt with us anymore... Im even more gutted about my aunt who died 4 years ago - i wish so badly that she could see me WELL and living my life and successful and happy and meet my little boy. But she cant. I went to her funeral in a specially adapted silk pencil skirt and light blueish/greyish/lilacish pinstripe shirt because i couldnt get any appropriate clothes that could fit. Not that she would have minded if i turned up in my PJs. It still makes me sad that her last memory of me was unwell and that shes gone now.


My mum has now clearly broken up with my dad. Its been hard to know whats REALLY going on and in all honesty ive tried to stay out of it whilst still being there for them. Its been harder because of mums kidney tumour and knowing her tendency to go for an operation without telling anyone. She seems happy enough at the moment if not a bit too skinny but at this point in time if shes telling me that the radiotherapy and chemo tablets are making her feel a bit sick and killing her appetite im going to believe her.



( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
May. 1st, 2013 04:24 pm (UTC)
Aw wow! Such an exciting time for you! Worrying too, I'm sure, but I hope that you're able to enjoy both the end of your pregnancy and baby when he arrives. Best of luck and I hope it all goes really well. You've come through so much. You and your new family deserve to be thrilled. Take care of yourself. X
May. 3rd, 2013 05:44 am (UTC)
you look awesome (though a face would be nice to see!), so does your babe!
May. 3rd, 2013 06:32 am (UTC)
It's good to read an update from you!

It does sound like you've had a pretty tough pregnancy overall and it's no wonder you're keen to get the baby out now. You must be looking forward to actually meeting him as well?!
It must be tough to still be working so far into the pregnancy but I guess it means you'll get longer off as maternity leave afterwards? You will certainly deserve a good long break.
I always feel worried for very pregnant people when I see them out and about, that they will give birth! It just seems so scary to have the potential of that happening sitting on your shoulder everywhere you go.

Wow huge pregnancy belly picture!
I can't remember if you've said any names yet, or are you still undecided?
May. 4th, 2013 11:33 am (UTC)
Lol. I'll put a face up when ive made an effort and dont have my hair on top of my head from yhe excessive amounts of baths im having for my aching bones!!! x
May. 4th, 2013 11:36 am (UTC)
Im so excited but its quite strange to think how much my life is going to change. Im not very good at being off work but the timing is perfect as it will be summer which means my sisters (age 15/17) will be around which will stop me going nuts!
May. 4th, 2013 11:46 am (UTC)
The irony is that picture was taken at 100 days to go! (so about 9 weeks ago) - im a bit torn. I feel uncomfortable all the time and want my body back and want to meet my little boy but at times ive liked feeling him there and im worried i will miss it (plus my body wont be the same and i wont be able to tell my head im pregnant) and its scary to think how much my life will change. Ive relied on work for stability and ive not had longer than 10 days off other than for sickness in 3 years. The only saving point will be that at least at the beginning my sisters will be on summer holidays and i know a couple of people with babies who dont work - or at least not regular hours (one of them being my best friend) x
( 6 comments — Leave a comment )