Im very tired today. Im alone because Jamie is working a long shift and wont be home until gone 9pm. Im very uncomfortable and getting a lot of cramps but im too tired to go anywhere - trying to walk down the road to Tesco was difficult. I feel sick and i dont want to be alone. Im REALLY pissed off with myself because ive smoked 2 cigarettes and im really upset by something my mum has just text me but im not sure if its reasonable or because the situation is strange and im tired and hormonal.
Basically i managed to find out/drag it out of my mum that she has a new love interest. After much digging i found out that this man lives in her "houseshare"... i suspect it isnt a houseshare but his house but i am yet to address that with her. I am the ONLY person that knows this and i now have her landline number and this man has text me his number so that i can contact my mum if i go into labour as she is rubbish with her mobile. Im can accept all this because ive noticed how much happier she is and i understand why my mum has kept it all quiet but i need to know the whole story to process it properley.
The thing that has upset me is that ive tried to call her today. Shes declined my calls and sent me a text message saying "sorry sal im looking after **** (this mans 6 year old son). talk later" and it just makes me feel like oh great youve got a new family that means more to you. I KNOW at 25years old this is a bit pathetic but i cant help feeling upset and maybe a little bit jealous! I think i was already a little unsettled by the existance of this boy since my mum told me that his middle name is what ive been planning to call my baby for the past 7 months. I now feel like i cant call my baby what i have essentially named him because once mums new life comes out its going to upset my dad. I might have found it funny and a bit ironic if i had found out afterwards but right now it feels like i have made a bond with MY child under a specific name and to change his name would be like suddenly renaming a 7month baby. I know hes not in the world yet and nobody else has really referred to him by name but ive been talking to my baby for a long time now and hes a real person to me. I desperately want him out now so he can be "real" and it really upsetting me that i have to wait even though i know that its really unreasonable to be crying over!!!
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