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Apparently during pregnancy you get to experience all the damage you have done to your body all over again...

So i again have messed up intercostal muscles which are the ones that became very weakened during my eating disorder which means again i have excrutiating back pain. The spincter that i damaged through purging and the hands free ability arent so great with morning sickness. My electrolytes feel out of whack. My digestive system is even slower than ever before. Orthostatic hypotension is back. Im freezing all the time.

At least this time its all for a good cause but hell i wish i didnt have to work a full time demanding stressful shift patern job right now


Life is hard at the moment but not in a distressing way.

Im about 13 weeks PREGNANT. Im over the shock and actually quite happy about it now but it is making my life very difficult. Im exhausted all the time and morning AKA constant sickness isnt very fun when you have to get on with your life as though nothing has changed.

Ive had to change a load of my meds. Stop drinking. Cut down on smoking - i really want to quit but its so so hard at the moment and every cigarette i smoke makes me feel horrendously guilty.

My new job is going well but its really difficult getting up in the morning and all the travelling especiially because both tiredness and travelling make the sickness worse. Its hard to eat when i feel full so easily and feel sick all the time and that makes me worry.

Im trying to hide a bump from work until i can officially tell them. It may only be a small bump but its noticable and as soon as i get bloated it highlights it a lot more.

Im nervous about telling work because ive only been here a month. We also need to move house which is prooving hard especially as we were due to move in a month before the estate agent made an absolute mess of everything and had to refund us for giving false information.

I fell over this morning on my way to a management forum which took me 3 hours to get to by train. I ripped one of the two pairs of trousers that fit me. It put me in a bit of a panic because i was already wearing jeans and thought everyone would be in suits which thankfully they werent and although im pretty much over my phobia of public transport i still find new routes (especially when they are far away) very anxiety provoking. Im worried about telling Jamie that ive fallen because hes already very anxious and protective over me and i dont want him to get upset.

Jamie is smoking quite a bit more weed than he used to as well. He smokes it to cope with his anxiety and it does make a noticable difference. I understand why he does it and i understand he has a phobia of doctors which is why he hasnt gone down the conventional route but the financial cost is massive and now we have the baby to worry about i wish there were some way he would let me support him to get off it. Hes promised me he will cut down dramatically before the baby is born and even said he doesnt want our child knowing he smokes weed so thats promising. I guess i just find it hard when im having to cut out everything and because he doesnt have the baby inside him his commitment to giving things up doesnt have to be immediate.

I really need to be able to eat more but i physically cant and im really worried about it. I just want the midwives to pull their act together and get me into a scan so i know how pregnant i am and that everything is okay. Technically i should have had a scan 2 weeks ago but i only really worked out that i was.pregnant 2 weeks ago as travelling and the stress of my new job was pretty much masking the symptoms.
Its scary how much can change in the smallest amounts of time...

A month ago i was off sick AGAIN in a job where i felt fed up and taken for granted. I was exhausted all the time and got absolutely no thanks or understanding for any of it. I was running around trying to do everything while pretty much the rest of the staff team drank coffee.

By the end i was pretty upset. I had the collegue who i was trying to train to take over from me calling me "sick note" to my face and bluntly telling me that nobody is stupid enough to employ someone like me with a bad sickness record.

Other staff were being weird with me because half of them had been there over a decade and i was moving up and on after 18 months.

Fast forward to now. I went into my new job as a senior but have ended up being acting manager. Im getting on transport all over the north west for CPA reviews and managers meetings and to view other services which is something that would have terrified me not so long ago. I feel GOOD about myself and im not having my self esteem sapped out of me everyday. People are listening to me and letting me help them change things around. By the end of the month im goung to have a woman who was pretty much staring at the walls all day going on the bus on a trip. For now at least she is playing with sensory equiptment rather than staring at the walls.
Im so so relieved that the levothyroxine is already showing signs of working. I managed a few hours out with lex yesterday but i think i undermined how tired yesterday in whole made me. Some of my symptoms are lessening and i feel okay to think about starting my new job on monday but im still very worried about money and whether im going to get paid from my old job tomorrow and if it is going to be enough for rent and bills etc.

Sep. 24th, 2012

I feel like shit. Im exhausted just from walking one way to the village. Its not even far. I paid a taxi the other way even though i cant really afford it. Im waiting for jamie to come home but im on the verge of tears so im in two minds about whether i want the idea or the reality of my boyfriend right now. I just find it so difficult that we are both working our arses off to have no money. I know what the problem is... But its hard. Its because jamie is still leaning on me financially because of his weed habit. I dont blame HIM. I love him to bits regardless of the weed and its not anything i really have ever discussed with anyone but i am finding it so hard especially when i might not get pais by the nas because of being off sick.
So i have somehow managed to get the old GP to write me a sick note until the 15th which probably means i will lose out on a weeks pay because i didnt see the new GP specifically for a chest infection... I do understand but i did see 2 doctors and a nurse 6 times within 10 days and did mention it in passing... I feel frustrated.

However my blood tests came back and finally we have a conclusion... I have hypothyroidism and am very symptomatic. As long as i get on the correct medication my body might have a chance to recover.

One day all this will be sorted

Sep. 19th, 2012

So as advised BY the doctor i go to my new doctors to discuss getting a sick note... All did not go well. He basically said he had no indication that i was unwell when he saw me last week... But i had no reason to mention it as another doctor at that surgery was dealing with all the physical stuff and he has just been reviewing my meds. He went on to say having investigations for repeated infections does not make me unfit for work (no but if i am suffering from an infection then that does...) and that because he does not KNOW i was sick he wont give me a sick note. The problem is the doctor who DOES know i was sick is no longer my doctor so cant give me a sick note. So im going back to the doctor who ordered all the blood tests (which still are not back) to see if she can do it. This doctor then went on to say that per his request for me to meet with the psych about my meds that he is not willing to prescribe what the psych said because it is still unlicenced and he would be taking responsibility and that unless i can deal with being on 40mg (which is actually below the reccomended dose for the reasons it was prescribed anyway) then i will "just need to stabelise on another medication" ... This isnt very likely and im likely to go a bit nuts.
Its 5:30am and i have to be up at 8am to call and get a doctors appointment to get a sick note so my "old work" actually pay me and me and im not financially screwed for the next month.

Im really struggling to turn off lately and i just keep worrying which is really hard for jamie trying to sleep and being such a light sleeper. I have a load of blankets set up on the lounge floor so i can just curl up and relax in the dark without disturbing him. I really did think that sleeping in the same bed as someone had cured my inability to sleep but it appears not. Im tired all the time despite having hours of sleep when i finally collapse into bed. Im feeling very emotional and as though im about to cry. I just want to curl up with jamie for a very long time.

Im worried about going to the doctors. I dont want to have to explain.. My old doctor saw me for the chest infection and if they listen to my chest im guessing it will sound clear by now. Apart from not being 100% physically and still getting stabbing pains in my chest mentally i dont think i can process all the drama that my old job are kicking up whilst trying to cut the dose of my meds at the same time. My head feels like this is not acceptable. I guess my biggest worry is that all these blood tests show nothing... Im at the end of my coping capacity with constantly being unwell and when nobody finds an explanation it makes me feel frustrated and fraudulent.

Im desperate to move. I cant stand being cold and the prospect of living here with the damp and creepy crawlies getting in and being cold all the time with horrendous heating bills makes me want to give up. But then i worry that if work screws me over then we wont be able to move.

Sep. 18th, 2012

Im going to write in here everyday now im on the lower dose of meds. I want to keep tabs on everything

Im not feeling any better than yesterday. Couldnt sleep until 6:30am didnt get up until 4pm. Stressed out because work are trying to screw me over. Need to get a sick note NEED to but im feeling a whole lot of anxiety and paranoia and less confident talking to doctors. I think half of this is worry about starting a new job and also being senior... My confidence in new situations seems to be on the floor. I feel a whole lot of pressure to move because winter here will be horrendous with the state of this building and will cost me a horrendous amount in bills. My mum has gone and got her tumour removed without telling anyone, turned up back home tonight and is going to work tomorrow!?! (for her sanity) Crazy woman im staying out of it.

Im anxious and drained and having a bit of

Im anxious and drained and having a bit of a general stress out. I have been off sick for ages now and i need a sick note but i dont know whether to go to the doctor i saw or my new doctor to try and get one because it has all overlapped. I feel guilty for being off sick generally because i always do just because of all the eating disorder years but i cant help thinking that work culture has also fed into this... I dont think it is fair that a lot of companies will try and take disciplinary action against employees who need time off when theres absolutely nothing i can do about it.

There is a lot of temptation to go back to work for the four days i am rotad in the end of the week but it also doesnt seem worth it... Generally it would be worry making me do it even though im not fully better yet and that would just be foolish. Despite that its still hard to just sit with the worry.

Im waiting on a whole load of blood tests...6 vials worth out of 2 now nicely collapsed veins to be precise... Im actually more worried about them not showing because there has to be a reason i am constantly getting ill.

To top it all off i have to start decreasing my meds... Just the citalopram but its going to be so hard. The psych tried to come up with anything to make it easier but no combination will work that wont make my heart failure risk worse. So basically he cant do anything. Im also DISCHARGED from all services now!!!!

Urgh im just so aggitated